I am a LOT

A friend recently said,“You’re a LOT”

He is right.

I am a lot.

I am a lot of love.
I am a lot of light.

I’m like - glitter. I don’t come in microdoses. I’m like a fire hydrant. Either gushing with emotion - or cranked to the off position, in rest.

I like having heavy conversations. Give me psychology, psychiatry, and philosophy. I thrive when brainstorming how to implement safety measures and imagining worst-case scenarios. I’ve been told I’m an alarmist. I’ve been told I have a negative slant. I say - I’m a realist. I have experienced what happens when it doesn’t work out. I’ve experienced when you become comfortable, let your guard down, and are blind-sighted.

I am a helper. I like to save people, and yes, I know why. I’ve spent my life in therapy to understand my quirks - and don’t pretend otherwise. I like analyzing data. I have a passion for safety. Chastise me if you want, but - I proudly back the blue. I don’t have an agenda. I don’t have an ego.

I believe in the power of kindness. I believe in the power of God. Not because He answers every prayer, but because I’ve lived my life with a higher power, and without one. I’ve seen too much to question whether or not something bigger connects us. I don’t shy away from talking about God.

I don’t give trigger warnings when I talk about trauma. I prefer to talk about life-changing moments others might be uncomfortable hearing - over the weather. To others, the deepest part of your story might be too much. To me, I am fluent in too much; keep talking, I’m all ears. You don’t need to sugarcoat or ask permission if you can share trauma - I am here for all of it.

At the end of the day, I like telling stories of survival. Life is filled with superficial. If you’re lucky - the world has brought you to your knees - and it makes you grateful for what you have. If I could take away your pain, I would. If I could take away mine, I’m not so sure. It made me real.

With me, I keep it as real as it gets; for those that cheer me on, for survivors, for you, to debunk what doctors told me I couldn’t do, to make a difference. This messy, chaotic, traumtized life was not in vain. So - yes, I’m a lot. And I am okay with being a lot. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

One holiday we were in the garden. I pulled my cousin-in-law off to the side and dropped a major professional informational bomb. He didn’t flinch. This is how I roll. For some, it’s overwhelming. For others - it’s a safe place. If you ever want to be too much, I’ll be over in a quiet space, with space for you. You can find me writing, talking about the big guy upstairs, and finding people to connect with who speak my language, too.

The world needs more of us who keep it real. Life is too short to be stifled in beige, gray, and muted colors. Put on fuchsia, teal, canary, and chartreuse (once I wore black velvet on Easter—I loved that dress). Deck yourself out in leopard and stripes. You can be classy, tasteful, and honest.

To the glitter in this world - don’t hold back - don’t worry if the confetti gets stuck in every corner. It’s supposed to.

Glitter was meant to be seen.